It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
