Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
