I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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