My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
