She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
