This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
They have beer where we have blood.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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