hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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