"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I am mentally ready for anal.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
