Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
