this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
