3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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