Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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