dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
