So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
