i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
where are my eyebrows?
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