I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
