since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
