Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
