Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
