Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
