I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
