there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
