I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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