So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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