You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
