I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
