I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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