He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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