In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
