how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
