All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
