Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
