now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
