another moral hangover. fuck.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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