Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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