Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
