got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
