Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
