sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
