So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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