There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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