i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
