Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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