Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I believe in your delicious
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
