I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
