matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
this beer tastes like vomit already
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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