Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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