It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
