We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You ruined the universe
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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