My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
