yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
