is your mom at the bar?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I would fuck him just for his dog
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