i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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